On Girls and Ideas

Last week, I sat down with my parents to discuss a girl. I’ve talked to them about girls before, but this one is different. She’s the best of them all.

If you know me, your mind is racing. Guessing. Wildly stabbing the dark, like a blindfolded butcher. Who could she be? Truthfully, I wonder the same thing. I have a little bit of an idea of what she’ll be like. The qualities she’ll have. The things that will drive her absolutely nuts. However, I have no idea who she is. Even when I described her to my parents, I had to resort to a page in my journal entitled The List.

The girl is the one I’ll marry. The List details the requirements she will live up to, and the things she’ll expect of me. Posting it here would serve less of a purpose than Ralph Nader’s presidential campaign, but I want to discuss my reasoning.

While The List is headed for years of edits and modifications, there’s something to be said for knowing what you want. In its infancy, no relationship is anything more than an idea. Whether that idea is lousy or inspired by Heaven, it starts with, “I should get to know this person.”

Great ideas, by their definition, are new solutions to old problems. Thomas Edison grew up in the dark, so he created a light bulb. His new solution solved a long-existing problem. That’s my intention for The List. I have a problem with teenage angst, so the wife is going to be emotionally stable. I’m not crazy about ditzy conversation, so she’s going to be smarter than I am.

While the concept of a made-to-order wife may seem novel, The List raises the bar in my heart and weakens the force of compromise. How, you ask? Well . . . one sight of what she might look like kills the competition.

My wife and I will probably sit down with the 2010 version of The List and laugh hysterically. My predictions will either describe her astounding likeness or her polar opposite. The List can and will change, but at the end of the day, she’ll have made the final draft.

Ways to Hear God: 85¢ versus $85

Last week, I got a package from Singapore. In it, there was a pair of nondescript ear buds with a note thanking me for my purchase. The thing was, I didn’t think I had ordered ear buds.

It turns out, I did… 3 months ago. They were 85¢ on eBay, and as near as I can tell, it was a late-night impulse buy. (My eBay account logged the time-of-purchase at 2AM. I was probably under the influence of Christmas cookies.)

This might not be surprising, but when you pay 85¢ on eBay, you get what you pay for. I plugged them into my iPod, and my ears may never forgive me. Owl City’s Fireflies gave the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard. U2’s Vertigo sounded like it was recorded underwater. What did I learn? Even the songs that I love will sound bad with the wrong gear.

As I pulled the wretched little disgraces out of my ears, I reached across my desk for my Sennheiser HD280 Pro’s. I’m not what you’d call an audiophile, but these are top-of-the-line over-the-ear studio monitors. They cost $85. I got them for Christmas last year, and I’ve used them on trips from the East coast to the West. Simply put, they’re awesome.

Why, you ask? Clarity. These are the kind of headphones that let you hear melodies you’ve never noticed. Highs are brought higher, lows are brought lower, and the bass is… uh, bass-ier, bringing fresh perspective to classics and new songs alike.

As this stream of consciousness flew through my mind, I began to wonder – what if the way we hear the Lord determines how we receive it?

How many times have we heard something stupid through the 85¢ method? How much more sense would it have made, had we invested in the $85 model? Sure, the $85 model costs more, but in its truest interpretation, so does the Gospel.

How am I hearing God? If the answer isn’t “clearly,” I have an investment to make.

Thoughts on Drama

There seems to be a trend among those my age in which we create dilemmas bigger than ourselves. Typically in the form of girl problems or our own inadequacies, these very real feelings can become conversation starters in lieu of logic or maturity. If I don’t watch myself, a conversation with a dear friend about my heart can escalate to a vortex of self-pity. This self-victimization affects my thought patterns, and then what I meditate on. My meditations then alter my countenance. If you’re anything like me, you’re never one to let your own misery go unrecognized.

No one goes to a party predisposed to advertise their own misfortune. However, if you give me the chance to tell a story, I will too often recall myself as the martyr. My imagination is quick to claim creative liberty when it’s the only witness on the stand. If I want your sympathy, I’ll need a sympathetic story. A lot of times, this will mean leaving my accountability at the door. This is a truth that we dramaniacs use to our advantage. We continue to do so, because the pity of all mankind won’t satisfy our longing for attention.

Among us, the drama queens and kings alike, it’s always in vogue to spill our guts. Less popular, however, is the cleanup process. I have six young siblings. Trust me: with every spill comes a mess to clean up. Whether that mess ends up changing my life for the better or for the worse, it’s going to be there. If we feed my sisters spaghetti, I should expect a mess to follow. They are going to need a bath. There’s no way around it.

Love your words or hate them, they can’t be taken back. Such messes are frequently made in the name of “honesty” or “being real”. “Let me be honest with you…” becomes code for “Let me vomit my frustration…” when the truly real approach involves calling upon the name of the Lord.

“I’m frustrated with a loved one’s choices.” God the Father has been there. Really. I should talk with Him.

“I have a crush on someone. Someone who isn’t sure if I exist.” Jesus, too. Really. I should talk with Him.

“There’s a group of people that I wish I was more involved with… If only they wanted me around.” The Holy Spirit knows that feeling. Really. I should talk with Him.

I’m not advocating that we never open up to our friends on Earth. A good friend is a gift from God. It would be foolish not to seek his or her counsel. However, if the friend is a good listener, it can be easy to treat their ears as a personal journal. The danger there lies in burdening our friends with the things we need off of our chests. We can spare everyone that drama by opening up to the one friend who’s closer than a brother. As the Giver of Life, He’s vested in helping us steward what He’s given.

Literary Analysis: Pride and Prejudice

Jane Austen’s critically-acclaimed Pride and Prejudice follows the Bennetts, a middle-class British family whose sole obsession is marriage. Each of the five daughters live and breathe for the day they’ll have their own respective husbands, and even their parents’ marriage seems to revolve around those of their daughters. Whenever a man visits, the Bennetts strive for a very superficial piety, but when he goes home, they all seem to put their dignity away with the good silverware.

The story seems more popular among women, presumably because the main character, a young woman, is more relatable in her downfalls than the young man is in his vindication. As the title entails, Elizabeth Bennett struggles with her own pride, rejecting two proposals without reason, and the prejudices with which she judges men prove to be obstacles when it comes to falling in love. Every girl can relate to having been disappointed in a man at some point, and to be proven wrong in their prejudices would be a relief. Within the plot’s final relief lies a hope for female readers that maybe they were were wrong about men. Maybe one day, they’ll find a Mr Darcy.

Young men don’t seem to be as fond of the story, though, because there is nothing relatable about perfection. As a young man, I found that I had very little common ground with Darcy, which made it difficult to relate to his situation. Halfway through the book, some male readers might find they have more in common with Elizabeth’s tinted perception of Mr Darcy and his alleged character flaws. By the time he’s able to explain himself and is proven to be perfect, though, it’s clear that this is a story written by a woman, for a woman. Good and evil become stereotypes, and if a man isn’t perfect, he must be hiding something.

Written over two centuries ago and still popular, with eight film adaptations between the years of 1940 and 2005, Pride and Prejudice does carry some very valuable lessons about emotions and the way that our hearts relate to each other. I do think, however, that if Jane Austen were to go back and make one tweak to the final manuscript, she might have written the role of Mr Darcy to be a little less perfect out of compassion for men everywhere.

Mercy vs. Judgment… wait, it looks like they’re going to get along.

The book of James covers so many areas of life – Temptation. Money. Faith. Girls. And as a teenager with all of the above on my mind, I read James. A lot. One verse that catches my eye is 2:13.

James 2:13 – For judgment is without mercy to those who show no mercy, for mercy triumphs over judgment.

Certain passages seem to link themselves to pictures in my mind. Don’t ask why, but I always think of the last scene in ‘The Karate Kid‘ when I read this verse. My mind’s eye sees Ralph Maccio’s protagonist, with ‘MERCY’ written across his chest for clarity’s sake, duking it out with an opponent whose chest is – cleverly enough – labeled ‘JUDGMENT’. With a brilliantly choreographed praying-mantis move, Mercy pummels Judgment for the crowd of 20 parents to see, and the credits begin to roll.

This little triumph story works fine in my head, until I begin to study the nature of God. You see, the Lord goes to great lengths to describe that when His attributes get together, they don’t duke it out – they work together in the most perfect harmony the earth has ever seen. They work with a goal of absolute justice, and as unachievable as that may seem, we have a promise that the purposes of His heart will be fulfilled, one way or the other.

In order to begin to understand how He works, we’ve got to stop thinking about mercy and judgment as opposites. Not only are His mercies new every morning, but His going forth is established as the morning. There’s no stopping either one of them, but in the end, those who are granted mercy will triumph over the unrepentant.

That’s all the semi-wisdom I have on this, and I’m not going to pretend to have more. The end.

My Summer

It’s been two months since I’ve blogged, and rather than issue a Lettermanesque half-hearted apology, I’ll pick up where I’m at: the summer.

#1) School: In hopes of graduating sometime next schoolyear, I’m working my tail end off to get a science credit (by way of Marine Biology) and a couple others knocked out before August rolls around.

#2) Awakening Teen Camp: If you’re a part of my posse, you’ll know that this’ll be my 5th year helping in some way, shape, or form, with ATC. Since I was 12, I’ve gone from coffee boy, to manager of the concession stand, to office assistant, to the Camp’s Official Expendable Crewman. (In their defense, my bosses aren’t crazy about the title I’ve given myself, but they were the ones who let me pick it.)

The ambiguous title means that I coordinate airport shuttle runs, making a lot of phone calls – with the help of an amazing office staff – and printing entire rainforests’ worth of flight itineraries. On top of those responsibilities, I’ll be helping the Camp Media Team pump out daily videos in whatever capacity I can.

#3) Family: Let’s face it, the only reason you even found my blog is that you follow @rbohlender on Twitter. My family is – and will continue to be, into eternity – a huge part of my life. Aaaand unless you’ve been living under a rock the size of Cleveland, you know that my mom (@kbohlender) is very pregnant. Due July 12th with the doctor’s promise of an early delivery, the birth of my 4th sister, Piper Eden Key Bohlender, will mean scaling back for a few weeks to help my parents with the glorious adjustmen

That’s what my summer is going to look like, and if you’re reading this on August 30th wondering why it’s the latest post… now you know. I’ve got a little bit of a crazy life.

Television in 3 Paragraphs, and Why it’s Not for Me

With the exception of the occasional History Channel dorkumentary or Mythbusters marathon, I don’t like to watch television. I don’t look down on people that do, and it’s not even a conviction thing – I just have other ways of wasting time. From what I can tell, there are three types of networks, not counting news or weather.

First up, there is the type of network that creates drama for its audience. You know, in case they don’t have enough already. But given that most teenagers watch these channels exclusively, it could be argued that it they aren’t incredibly beneficial – when I’m changing a diaper and I’ve got a test to take on top of my 16-year-old insecurities, do I really need to know about the love triangle or whether or not they really get off the island?

Second on my list is the type of network that centers itself around real people. Real people who weigh 500 lbs. Real people who are buying their first house or redoing their neighbor’s kitchen. Real people with a crazy amount of children. The problem is, even though they’re real people… they’re on TV, and all they’re really doing is satisfying the audience’s need for community. If I can point that out as a 16-year-old, they must not be doing it well.

The third type of network that I’ve noticed are the home shopping networks, which are a little like eBay on shuffle. The audience is presented with a neverending list of products acquired from a closed-down Sharper Image. I don’t have a philosophical argument for why these a waist of time, but they don’t really do anything for stewardship. and if I’m ever having to look for some place to blow money out the wazoo, I’ve got eBay.

Poetry: Hosea 2

Oh faithfulness, the faithfulness, the faithfulness of Him
Even when I chase the others, He will wall me in.
He’ll hedge me in with thorns, and when I feel that sting,
I’ll open up my heart to him, and all the Saints will sing of
the faithfulness, sweet faithfulness, the faithfulness of Him

Oh brokenness, the brokenness, the brokenness of me,
He took captive thoughts, and then I went and set them free.
He made his love so clear, and I refused to see,
oh brokenness, the brokenness, the brokenness of me.

But the faithfulness, the faithfulness, the faithfulness of Him,
Covers up my nakedness; takes away my sin,
Pays for my rebellion; resurrects my inner man,
I say nothing can endure like the faithfulness of Him.

An Open Letter to Rebellion Everywhere

About a year ago, I found a recycling bin at my school chocked-full of old books. In it, I found a torn, written-in, and highlighted paperback titled Enjoy Your Parents. I found it amusing at the time, because if you’re at the point where you have to read a book on the subject, you’re pretty bad-off. Ask any teenager – reading is always a last resort. And while the book itself didn’t provide an ounce of helpful advice, I’m realizing now that anyone with the initiative to get the book (let alone highlight it!) was making a step in the right direction.

A passage that I hear daily is Malachi 4:6. You know it, it’s the one about the turning of the hearts, fathers to the children and vice-versa, lest He send a curse. Look it up if you don’t believe me. It’s in there. It wasn’t until I drew a parallel between this passage and Isaiah 28, though, that I realized the part I really have to play in holding back the ‘curse’.

Isaiah 28:17-18

I will make justice the measuring line and righteousness the plummet…  Your covenant with death will be annulled; your agreement with the grave will not stand.

What the Lord is saying is that His justice has always been a measuring line, but the righteousness of the earth determines where it falls. Where my heart is with my family – enter Malachi 4 – directly affects where I land in the Kingdom.

Long story short, covenants have never been known to be annulled peacefully. It’s not like they get lost in the archives – one side has to wage war on the other. Our advantage is that we have a heads-up: “You know that covenant you have with death? The treaties you’ve made with your sin nature? Those aren’t going to last, because one of you is going to get fed up with the other one day.”

Which side will wage war first? We’ve got the promise from the Lord of Hosts – one is going to cream the other, and you can be sure of that. Do I even know how to declare war? …because there just might be a solution: Turn our hearts to our fathers.

Even if you have a great relationship with your family, Malachi 4 assures us that serving our parents will hold back judgment and usher in a spirit of Elijah. As the oldest of nearly seven children, this is great news. When I’m changing diapers and feeding babies, not only am I serving my parents, but I’m waging war against the principalities that would have had my sisters aborted. I’m not just picking a fight with death - I’m winning.

I don’t say this to lift myself up, because honestly, there have got to be a thousand people out there doing it better than I am. But my heart is filled with joy on this, and energy to encourage those my age: Do you want to see signs and wonders? Start liking your family. If the teenager can’t take a message home, how is he expected to deliver one to the ends of the earth?

Album of the week: Fiction Family

Jon Foreman of Switchfoot fame and Sean Watkins of lesser-known Nickel Creek collaborate to form the one-hit-wonder album Fiction Family. A welcome balance between Foreman’s upbeat songwriting and Watkins’ low-key acoustic skills, Fiction Family… well, it just makes me happy.

Available for $8.99 on AmazonMP3 and $10 on iTunes.